题目：It seems that with the increase in use of mobile phones and computers, fewer people prefer to write letters. Will letters disappear completely?

　　审题：本文可以看作是agree or disagree 类文章，要求考生能在开头段表明自己的立场。探讨的两个主题是：信件 VS手机电脑。

　　这篇习作的学生的写作框架是3773，观点是信不会被取代，中间写两段，第一段探讨手机电脑的两个好处，第二段探讨信的四个好处，最后总结信的优点多，继续推行。

　　为了清楚起见，学生文章都加粗了。

　　开头段：

　　Mobile phones and E-mails are increasingly playing 1pivital roles in our daily life in this day and age. Yet at the same time, whether 2letter will disappear has sparked heated debate. As far as I am concerned, 3it is impossible for letters to be replaced.

　　点评：首段格式清楚，略微有模板的印记，但是有拼写错误，语法错误。会让考官觉得是6分或以下的水平。

　　修改：

　　1 pivotal 其他重要：essential, indispensable, vital

　　2 Yet at the same time, whether letters will be replaced by phones and emails has sparked heated debate

　　3 原文impossible太过绝对。Hardly will letters fade out.

　　中间第一段：

　　On the one hand, it is arguable that those high-technology products can bring about numerous benefits.

　　点评：总体句写的不错。 Numerous稍显夸张。

　　To begin with, Undeniably, a phone call, an E-mail can make people closer and make the world smaller.

　　点评：

　　1 两个名词短语之间要有连接词，比如and。

　　2 整个句子表达很中式，不地道。

　　修改：Phones and computers could wipe out /erase geographical barriers.

　　More specifically, they are faster than regular mails.

　　点评：论证和论点没有关系啊，这个论据是说明效率高，而不是在论证手机让世界变得近。

　　修改：More specifically, a student in China, thanks to phone calls, is able to communicate with his friends in other countries, such as Australia and Canada within seconds.

　　Besides, it takes people a great deal of time to write a letter.

　　点评：这一段的论述主题是电话电脑的优点，建议不要绕着写”信”的缺点。

　　修改：Besides, phones may save the public more time compared with traditional letters.

　　Apparently, nowadays, a considerable proportion of people have to work day in and day out to support themselves and even their their family. Undeniably, fast-paced life put great burden on individuals, 1hence, compared with 2letter, a phone call or a E-mail may be less time-consuming and more suitable for individuals.

　　问题：

　　1 hence 是副词，不能连接两个完整的句子。建议把hence前面的逗号改成句号。

　　2 letter 是可数名词，改成letters 或者a letter。

　　3论点和论证之间的关系不是非常紧密。观点是电话省时，论证说大家工作压力大，略显晦涩了。比较可行的论证是用对比法，体现出写信花时间长，打电话email时间短。

　　修改：

　　In this competitive society, it is no exaggeration that time equals money. It is hard to imagine spending two days writing a letter, one day sending a letter, and more days receiving a letter. In contrast, phones and emails hardly fail to convey ideas clearly and efficiently.

　　内部总结：问题很典型，词汇不过关，语法有问题，论证存在跳跃性思维。

　　中间第二段：

　　On the other hand, 1colorful augment can be made that letters can 2 sprawn even greater benefits on individuals.

　　点评：

　　1 argument可数名词，colorful和argument的搭配很怪异。

　　修改：On the other hand, counter arguments can be made that…

　　2 sprawn 没有这个单词存在。

　　修改：Letters can bring more benefits rather than drawbacks to the general public.

　　Fristly, writing letter is 1more cheaper than mobile phones.

　　点评：1形容词比较级用法错误 much cheaper 。

　　Undeniably，the expenses of 1we spend on mobile phones are to be unaffordable.

　　点评：1of后面缺宾语，没有连词的句子无法充当宾语。

　　2 你的观点是写信便宜，论证是写信费用高的无法接受，这个首先是太绝对，其次是没有说服力，得给出细节才行。

　　修改：

　　It is well known that sending a letter to a friend in other cities take no more than 1 yuan in China. In contrast, an inter-city call charges you more than 3-5 yuan.

　　Besides, kepping in touch with our relatives with mobile phones or E-mails can only 1lull us into a false sence of intimacy. 2On the contrast, letters can convey our feelings more effectively.

　　点评：1 属于考官不能看懂的句子。

如有相关问题，可拨打免费咨询热线：010-58443520 或

考试培训小助手

本科留学qq:436560382

研究生留学qq:437946603